Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Quick Review of Mamma Mia

Pray that the theater burns to the ground before you are forced to go see this move.

I can only wish that the Greek Chorus (great job ladies, you were the ONLY part of the movie that I enjoyed) revolted and captured the director of this TRAGEDY of filmmaking and sacrificed her to appease the ancient gods of whatever island was the location and in doing so will save the rest of humanity from ever having to have another one of her movies unleashed on us again.

Christine, Julie, Pierce, Colin and Meryl...I forgive you for you know not what you did.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

To those of you who saw me last night..

I realize i was in rare form. If any of you have pictures or video of the wrestling match I got into at the bar last night with the mohawk boy, please send them my way. If you were one of the people that I called "trash, spic, jew-boy, mexican hooker, Pekingese (don't ask me why), fat whore, wuss, loser, bitch, nasty cunt, cum faced cunt, smelly cunt", or any other choice monikers I called out, well if you didn't deserve it I apologize. To the boy whom I poured my drink on, well you DID deserve it, but I'm sorry about that too. To the shot boy, please don't ever serve me those blue ones again, I blame you for all of this and how I feel today.

You know it's bad when you wake up with a vague recollection of BEING ON THE FLOOR OF THE BAR not once, not twice but THREE times and then you decided that it was time to go home. You know it's bad, when you look out side and your car is parked sideways. Oh, to the person who honked at me on my way home I'm sure I deserved it, but honking at drunk people does not make them happy and that it why I rolled down my window and screamed at you. You know it's bad when the boy you like (see previous post) calls you the next day and says "You left me a message at 2 am and you are a DIRTY BOY!" To the woman at Whataburger I called a cunt for not putting pickles on my burger, I'm sorry. If it's any consolation I dumped my entire whatasize coke on my lap in the car and will now have to have it detailed.

I'm going to go eat lots of Mexican food now, drink lots of water, and then I'm going to hide from the paparazzi.


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Red Velvet...blood red

I have a new boy crush...he is totally cute and a successful artist/photographer, and he's totally sexy.  And he has a thing for armadillos.

You all know what this means don't you?  If we get married I get to have a groom's cake in the shape of a Giant Armadillo!!

My dreams will finally have come true!!

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

The James Lipton Interview

I stole this from a new reader, Jim over at "Jim's Notes" . It's Benard Pivot's questionnaire made infamous by Inside the Actor's Studio's host James Lipton...

What is your favorite word? dirty - I'm dirty, you're dirty, that's dirty, dirty whore, etc
What is your least favorite word? head - the phrase "I have to hit the head" makes me ill.
What turns you on [creatively, spiritually or emotionally]? cooking/food - I love the blending of flavors, comfort food, new food, exciting food, etc.
What turns you off? bad smells
What is your favorite curse word? FUCK! As in "Fuck me running" my favorite phrase when exasperated.
What sound or noise do you love? a summer thunder storm, a train in the distance, and the sound of a wine cork all make me happy.
What sound or noise do you hate? "The leaf blower or a ringing phone can send me into a conniption fit."
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Vintner
What profession would you not like to do? Jr. High Teacher
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? "Welcome, here is your VIP packet..."