T.V.

Have y'all noticed that television producers are getting lazy? I mean, it seems like every other week is a re-run. I was SOOO pissed on Sunday when Desperate Housewives was a re-run. I mean come on! I was all looking forward to seeing what Betty Applewhite is getting started and if Andrew is going to make out with his hottie boyfriend again! WTF?

All I'm sayin is Gilmore Girls BETTER be new tonight or someone is getting cut.

And tomorrow is another day.

Just so you all know, I'm over my little pity party from yesterday. I hope everyone is having a great day. The sun is shining, things are swell. It's amazing how we can touch each others' lives.

I was all doom and gloom until someone made me laugh last night. Thanks (wink)

And just to give you laugh..

Why you should never allow your friends access to your personal online profiles?



Becuase they might change your picture to this :)

There must be something in the air...

You know, I'm a pretty emotionally stable person. In fact, I am a pretty strong guy. I've been though some shit over the past 10 years that would make most people throw it all in. So why the hell have I been crying for like the last two days?

Case in point - Saturday night. I go out with my 2 best friends, have a great time, 4 doulbe vodka red bulls later I'm acting like Tara Reid . I run into an ex of mine that I broke up with FIVE years ago and all of a sudden I'm Sally Struhers on a "Save the Children" Commerical.

OH it gets better. I then deicided that breaking up with him was the worst mistake of my life (it definilty wasn't) and that I must have him back (I don't want him). So I proceed to convince him of this by calling his cell phone 11 times in 20 minutes.

Right! Stalk much?

In my defense he is a long tall cowboy and he walked into the bar looking all "Why'd you come in here looking like that"... but really that's no excuse.

So Sunday, yeah, wathcing Grey's Anatomy, which I love, and the last 10 min?? Yeah, I was a sobbing hysterical mess. (if you missed it go here , great recaps.)

Which brings us to today, Monday. Day from HELL at work. Crazy Cunt Boss has raised my file quota to near impossible. Parents in town for lunch, which is always stressful. Plus the impending move to SF, which to prepare for I must sell furniture, find a job, find a place to live, sell my car, pack, and acutally move across country.

So am I stressing or is it just PMS?

BLLLAAHHHHH!

Ok, I'm all better now.

Oh Yeah, and I updated by list of Favorite People over to the right.. check them out.

Sifting through the past

It's Satruday, and I'm really trying to be productive, honestly. I'm cleaning out my closet in an effort to get more organized. So far I have thrown out almost my entire wardrobe (nothing fits anymore!), 5000 dry cleaning bags, 2 broken picture frames, 8 broken hangers, and 7 mismatched socks that had formed thier own colony behind my blanket chest.

Viva La Revolution.

And now I have come across my memory box, stuck way back in the back.

I have had this box since my freshman year in college. It's a beautiful cherry wood box from the Bombay Company that a very good friend from High School gave to me. Ironically, I ran into said friend just the other night, and I hadn't seen him in about 2 years. I don't really try to keep up with him, or really anyone from High School save for like 3 people, but this box has me feeling a little sentimental.

So lets look inside.

- a post card of the Hooper Schaefer fine arts center on Baylor Campus from my ex-friend Jami; written on the back "Felicity - 1) Happiens; Bliss, 2) Anything producing Happiness" sent to me my 1st semester of college.

- A picutre of me and my friend Kerri taken at the Apha Phi Omega Fall Installation Sept 1993 (i have really big hair and am wearing a vest!)

- a picture of me and my father taken at the Holiday Inn in Rockport Tx

- HA! A picture of my old college roomate Julie making hamburger helper...sans hamburger (it was REALLY gross)

- a picute of me with Mark Hyde, whom I had a HUUGGEE crush on in College, if anyone knows Mark Hyde, tell him hello, and yes people really do live in those houses out on the highway

- Gwen Stefani's autograph, I had a beer with her at La Zona Rosa before she became a mega star

- My lifelong member Alpha Phi Omega membership card

- my GAP badge (yes I sold khakis and denim shirts to many a sorority girl)

- Antique brass cigerrete holder

- a dubloon from Mardi Gras

- My high school graduation tassell

- the offical Rules to Canasta

and

a $25 savings bond issued March 8, 1974 - guess I should cash that in huh.

ok, back to the closet...later

My Impending DOOM or why all mothers should be medicated

Most of you that know me have also met my mother. Now, let me just preface that by saying that I love my Mom. She is my best friend, she spoils me rotten and she loves me unconditionally...well mostly.

She is also a Force of Nature. Her nickname is Hurricane Theresa.

My mother is 4'11'' of pure energy, Irish temper, and Catholic guilt. The day that I moved away from home to go to college she called me and told me I needed to move back home...that day. This has been an ongoing battle for the last 14 years.

In 2001 I moved from Austin to Dallas, a mere 3 hours further north from Austin. My mother cried for 2 days, threatened me with disinheritance, and constantly remarked that I was "to far from my family", and that I was "turning my back on her and my father, denying them the rights of parents to be close to their children".

I would like the record to state that I do actually have an older brother who has constantly moved around the State of Texas and has never once had to put up with the crap from our mom.

Anyhoo..for medical reason my mom has been on a mood stabilizer for the last 3 years. This has allowed me a great reprieve from her psychotic guilt trips and lightening quick Irish temper tantrums (down here we call them hissy fits) that I grew up with; and I have been VERY thankful for this, and have quite ENJOYED not being lashed out at on a daily basis.

That was,...until...today.

My Mom has weaned herself off her diet prozac.

And I'm moving to San Francisco.

And I haven't told her yet.

Oh.. Jesus...Fuck..

Now, anyone who has been on a mood stabilizer and then gotten off knows how your body reacts to it. Those of you who don't, please stick your finger in the nearest light socket, eat a handfull of wasps, and watch Terms of Endearment all at the same time...Because that's what your emotional state is like when you come off your meds.

I really don't want to tell her that I'm moving across the country. Her reaction will be something like this...



or this...





and I'm not sure who will come out of this alive.

Maybe I'll just tell her AFTER I get to California...like with a nice postcard or fruit basket or something.

Or maybe I should contact the witness protection program; They do this sort of thing? Right?

Oh, and if anyone has any job connections in San Francisco, please let me know.

Kisses

so solly cholly

Sorry I haven't posted anything new today y'all. I called in sick becuase I couldn't deal with the psychotic, lying, inbred boss today. I actually had 1 million things to get done around the house today, which I didn't do. I applied for 3 jobs online and downloaded alot of porn.


By the way, if anyone knows of any jobs in San Francisco, let me know, I'm looking.

I have a million things to tell y'all too. My night last night with Kathy Griffin, my impending move to California, past loves, 50 more things about me, and, oh yeah, meeting the coolest guy in the world.

I'll leave you with this to keep you occupied.

Smoochie booches.

K




RhonettaJohnson.com

Thanks to whomever sent me the link!

Daniel V + Nick = Love?

You who know me know that I am a HUGE Project Runway fan. Loooovee it! And I also have a raging crush on the handsome, talented, 3 time challenge winner, tatooed bad boy Daniel Vosovick. (Who doesn't have a web page, blog, or any media outlet, which leads me to believe he is the winner of PR2)

If you do keep up with the show, and are good people and read Queerty then you would have caught talented contender Nick's interview, where he states he has a boyfriend. It seems that Mr. Nick has been spending alot of time in NYC, which is odd since he is based in LA.

He also expressed on last night's show, that he and Daniel had a special love, and if I'm not mistaking had a very long kiss after Daniel won the challenge last night.

Has Nick stolen my future husband????

Whore.

The only other person that probably even cares about this is Dan Renzi . Maybe we can break them up.

Channeling your inner Black Woman

I blame it on my upbringing, I really do.

See I was raised in the South, down here in Texas; and, I was taught to have good manners, be polite, say "Yes ma'am" and "No Sir" and just generally be a good person.

But sometimes good manners and courtesy just don't cut it.

We no longer live in a world where courtesy is common. The people at McDonalds no longer say "Thank you and have a nice day", and people on the street talk on cell phone and listen to MP3 players to avoid conversation...I understand all that. This is now a world in which, when someone is rude to you, or if someone is trying to screw you over, you can no longer report them, because chances are no one really will care.

Proper manners state that you are just supposed to take being screwed over and walk away with dignity and poise that represent good breeding. However sometimes you just gotta say:

"Well Fuck that Shit!"

We AAALLL have her in us! Our inner black woman. You gotta nurture her, you gotta feed her and let her breathe. I said "AMEN" say it with me "AMEN". When someone is fuckin with you, you gotta just let go, reach down inside you and LET HER OUT! 'cause she will cuta bitch! Say hallelujah.



Some woman cut in front of you in line at the grocery store? Hell Naw! Go all Rhonetta Johnson on her ass (" I ain gonna drank off her!") Don't just hit her heel with the back of your cart and act like it was an accident, cuss a bitch out! You boss fuckin wit you? Slap her upside the head and scream "cause you a white ho, that's why".

Shiiiit fool.

My own inner black woman is Shameka McDonald LaQuita McNiel, cousin of Chadiqua Dijoneyese Flonosa, and sistah to Chantral who stay down in Tarrytown. She WILL cut You. She will cuss you out. And if you really piss her off, she might just back hand you into next week, and then steal your wallek to pay for the nail she jus broke doin it.

So if you need some inspiration, head on done to Hoover's Home cooking, eat some mustard greens and ham steak, watch "Beauty Shop" and "Diary of A Mad Black Woman" back to back, dowload some Shirley Q. Liquor, and set the world right.

And the next time that little twerp from the IT department makes you feel stupid for not know how to utilize your outlook, just tell him ....








images taken from crunktastical.blogspot.com and Stop Touching My Food

Frustrated Bloggin

Arggh! I want to post so much today, but my whore bitch boss from hell is keeping close tabs on me. I'll leave y'all with this:

The top 5 reasons I love vicodin:
1. That warm fuzzy feeling you get when it kicks in
2. 10:00am all of a sudden becomes 1:00pm
3. No matter how many nasty emails I get today, I don't care
4. Watching the flow of traffic on 183 becomes amusing
5. That warm fuzzy feeling you get when it kicks in....aaahh...

Ok. I've got a really long good post that i'm working on, so I'll post it tongiht.

The combikination of liquor and altitude...

I'm so freakin excited. My Shirley Q Liquor "Eubonics Arlines" T-shirt just arrived Via UPS!!!

I'm going to have to wear it to the club and look at the mens...

http://www.cafepress.com/shirleyqliquor/

All Y'all Bitches in the House getting Crunk.

Ok, 1st of all, thank all y'all who actually read my blog last night and wrote me notes of encouragement. Thanks, your support really means a lot to me.

2nd of all, why you bitches can't leave a comment on the comment section Yo? Give a gurhl a holla back! You a'int Condi, you can speak the truf.

Ok, notes to your responses:
- it was Amy's Ice Cream on 6th and Lamar, and yes, it was hot.
- I'll try to update this daily, so just keep checkin in. I'm so bored at work, I'll probably enter random stuff all the time
- I'll mess with whoever I want to, Biatch!
- Yes B, I am a cute dork.
- Here's your movie reviews Big K:
"Rumor has it" - loved it
"Capote" - hated it
"Memoirs of a Geshia" - girl needs to get some new shoes

oh and Chadiqua, the 1st night I'm in SF I'll cook us up a big ol mess of collard greens, some black eyed peas, fried okra, corn, and some greasy, greasy, checkin. I'll do it too!

XO

The 1st 50 Things about Me

I know this is kinda of old by now, but dammit I'm basically in the kindergarten class of blogging so I get to play too. I was going to do 100, but its' late and i'm getting tired.

1. I have owned 9 cats in my life. They were named Fluffy, KC, Fussy, Whiskers, Spookers, Skittles, Benjamin, Cracker, and Margot.
2. I am currently pet less.
3. I had one dog in my life, Duke.
4. My mom sent him away after he tied her to a tree.
5. I used to own a 5 foot tall teddy bear.
6. My mom sent him away as well.
7. My mom thinks she's going to live with me in her old age...i'm going to send her away.
8. My 1st car at 16 was a 1984 Dodge Ram charger with no air conditioning and the window's wouldn't roll down.
9. I knocked over a solid brick mailbox in that car, didn't even dent the fender.
10. I never told the owners
11. I also took out a chain link fence in that car, cost me $18.00 to replace
12. I believe in God.
13. I don't believe in religon.
14. I was raised Catholic, but quit going to church when I was 17.
15. I still feel guilty if I eat meat on Fridays during lent.
16. I grew up in a town of 5,500 people.
17. The town I grew up in is still segregated.
18. I don't own a gun, but I'm a pretty good shot.
19. I can shoot far too (wink).
20. I know how to mend a barb-wire fence.
21. When I was 5 I kissed a girl in the cardboard playhouse in our kindergarten class.
22. I didn't kiss another girl until I was 18 and a freshman in college.
23. I kissed my first boy a few months later.
24. He tasted like Jack Daniels.
25. The 1st time I had sex was in the back of a chevy blazer in the parking lot of an ice cream shop.
26. I've never had sex with a woman.
27. I had anonymous sex once with a guy I knew nothing about, and 2 days later he was hired to be my boss.
28. He was married with 2 kids.
29. He would never look me in the eye & I was never worried about being on time.
30. I once had a date with a Mortition just to say i've been out with one.
31. Same thing with a trucker.
32. Sex in a big rig is HOTT!!!
33. Sex in a pool is annoying
34. Sometimes I snort when I laugh.
35. I have a definite Texas twang.
36. When I talk to people, I mimic their accents.
37. I once trained a guy from France, I spoke with a french accent for 3 weeks.
38. I only know like 2 phrases in French.
39. I know enough Spanish to order a drink and get to the bathroom.
40. I know enough German to get me in trouble, and to get drunk in Munich.
41. My family heritage is German, Swiss and Irish.
42. My Irish Ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
43. My Swiss Grandfather is 1st generation American.
44. I have distant cousins in Switzerland that I have met and adore.
45. I just found out I have a gay cousin on the German side of my family.
46. I love my gay cousin.
47. On on side of my family, our family tree splits and comes back together.
48. Not kidding.
49. I'm a pretty damn good cook.
50. I hope I'm pretty damn good writer.

Devily Delicious

*LAUNCH* *WHAM* *SPLAT* "WHO THREW THAT HAM AT ME???"

Welcome to Who Threw That Ham at Me. Glad you could make it.

You know, I've been reading/stalking hot little bloggers from around the country for some time now. I finally took the time to sit down and actually get started on my own. I'm not sure what direction this will take, or how dedicated I will be to it; but, at least I have a place to share the inane and sometimes amusing wanderings of my mind and situations of my crazy ass life. Hope you like it. If you don't, go read someone else's blog.

The Basics:
I'm 30 years old, Gay, Cute, and live in Austin, Texas. I hope to move out (escape) to San Francisco by the end of spring, which is something I should have done 10 years ago. I work in an office with two crazy bitchs: a 50 year old back stabbing complusive liar, and a 40 something sex addicit. I survive my work days becuase I have an iPod and a Xanyx perscription. I have great friends, drink alot, and find great amusement with the whirlwind of life that goes on around me.

I'll end this short, but 1st post with a quote from my friend Stephanie's friend Karen..

"This a'int one of those get excited, get invited kinda parties. You gotta GIT in where you FIT in!"