Emancipation proclamation

I's free Ms. Scarlett! I said I's Free. You cain't beat me no mo! You cain't tell me what to do! Go birth you own damn babies! I's FREE!


It's such a satisfying feeling when you tell your boss to kiss your ass and walk out the door. I'm going to treat myself to a fabulous lunch now!

Smooch

A very quick post

My posting is going to be sporadic over the next few days. I have SO MUCH to write about! I'm in sensory overload right now and my brain hurts. So very quickly:

1. Thank you EVERYONE who is sending me well wishes and congratulations on having a great interview in San Francisco. I nailed it. I'll write more about that when I've got the offer in my hand and signed the papers. The pouring out of support is amazing and really makes me feel like I'm Queen over the Tyler Rose Festival


2. Thank you so much to everyone in San Francisco for your hospitality, generosity, support and friendship. I'll be sure to recommend you names to the Junior League. You showed this little Texan a "real good time" and made sure all my needs were taken care of. I cannot express my gratitude enough and hope our friendship continues to grow.

3. NEVER tell a man on a street in San Francisco "Suck My DICK!" because he will simply reply, "Present it".

4. The Victoria Pastry Co. at 1362 Stockton really does have the best eclairs in the world.

5. Sometimes, maybe once in several lifetimes, you meet someone that makes the world a better place for anyone who ever comes in contact with him/her. People like this a rare and magical species that I am convinced are left over from some tribe of shamans once found in a distant land long ago. These people can make you see the world from a different angle, and from a view that anything is possible. I will never be the same person I was before this trip. From now on, I will make Amazing things happen in my life. Thank you.

6. Gavin Newsom is Total Babe!!!


7. I'm changing my name to Kel Von Texas to celebrate my German roots, as opposed to taking order for Tacos.

8. I am totally and completely happy right now. I hope everyone has a moment in their life such as this.

Good Night, Y'all

Movin on up..

Uh, beans don't burn in the kitchen, beans don't burn on the grill. Took a whole lot of tur a hen jest to get up that hill. Now we up to the big time, takin our turn at bat, as long as we live, it's you and me baby, a'int nothin wrong wit dat!!

I got the job. I'm moving in two weeks.



Y'all give me some Sugar.

I'm really not a big crybaby

Ok, so yesterday I was a little stressed out. Sometimes, that just happens. However, like Scarlett O'Hara, I believe "Tomorrow is another day."

As GOD is my witness, I shall never shop at JC Penny again!

So I called in sick to work today. So no dealing with bitch boss from hell. I"m not answering my phone when my Mom calls, so no stress there. I slept in, watched all my TiVo-ed episodes of Will & Grace (she's kind of a bitch to Will, isn't she?) and now I"m going to start packing for my trip tomorrow.

Did I mention I'm going to SF for an interview on Friday. Yeah, everyone cross their fingers and toes at 1pm PST. I need good thoughts people.



Kelly, you're going to have to make this work.

Anyway, point being I'm very less stressed today. I'm fixin to * put on some music, dance around in my jammies, pack, clean, groom, and great ready to change my life.


Sometimes I like to dance around in my underwear, doesn't make me Madonna, never will.


PS. If you don't know what "fixin to" means, I explain it very clearly, yet drunkenly, on the latest podcast of "All Prep and No H" .

STRESS IS:

- When you dream about killing your boss, repeatedly, and you realize you're awake.

- When you beat your head in frustration against the wall, floor, desk, bookshelves, door, car roof, sidewalk and it doesn't hurt near as bad as your shoulders do from all the tension in them

- When you can't remember how much vicoden you took and why if you did take that much can you still not relax?

- When you take your glasses off your face just for a second, and lose them in your own room. Seriously, where the fuck are they?

- When you have dinner with your favorite cousin and can't remember his name because you have so much going on in your head that your synapse can't fire correctly and nothing makes sense! Yet you still remember that Bulgaria's main export is Attar of Roses.

- When you totally ignore your blog for 3 days because you just can't deal and the lambs just won't STOP SCREAMING!



"Oh and Senator, love the suit!"

2nd inning, 2 base hit, 1 strike, 1 home run

Ok, I've escaped the attic. Send Help now!

Just kidding, well, sort of.

So last night I went to my grandparent's house to break the big news to the family. Ever see My Big Fat Greek Wedding?
Yeah, that's my Mom's family, only mostly Irish Catholic and WAAAYYY more guilt. Anyway, my mother, I, my grandmother and other various aunts and uncles were playing Canasta; and my team was kicking ass. (Oh, by the way, I am a VERY competitive card player, and my family is all the same. We cheat, lie, bluff, pray, use mind games, etc, ANYTHING to win at cards.) So just at a crucial moment in the game when the other team was about to make a move, I throw out that I'm picking up and moving to San Francisco in a few weeks, and this is my big good-bye.

Ha! Classic, it worked! They lost concentration and my team won! No, we kicked their ass. Oh yeah!

Oh wait, this isn't about Canasta.

My Grandmother has this look of surprise on her face, and says "Wonderful, Honey!" My aunts and uncles are all "That's great! Way to go! Thank god, you can't beat us at cards any more!" 2 base hit

Then they all turn to my Mom. My Mom...the drama queen... sitting there in silence, with a facial expression like someone just shit in her Jello Salad. A lone tear sliding down her cheek, eyes red and watering, lips starting to tremble, her cracked voice saying "He's doing this to get away from me." And everyone looks at me like I just broke her heart on purpose. Strike 2!

Well... I wasn't having it. So I said "Stop trying to make this all about you." At which point, she jumped up from the table and locked herself in the bathroom. So yes, I was the bad guy. The one who made her cry, who hurt her feelings and made her run away. Ugh.

Long story short, I got her back to the table, we whupped ass at cards again and then came home...for the discussion.

So we talk, and she cries, and we talk and she cries, and she feels like I'm running away from her, and I'm never going to come home and she's losing her baby, and she hates it and blah blah blah. I finally remind her that she does have another son, my brother (the asshole), who has moved all over and never comes home and never deals with any of this crap and WHY dear GOD WHY doesn't she give him HALF the guilt she gives me and emotions were high and we were YELLING AND CRYING AND TALKING REALLY FAST!!!!!!


And then she said something, which I previously posted, but can't becuase it's just too personal. Let's just say, she really said something that really hit me in my heart.

So for one moment, I actually faltered and almost said "Ok mommy, I'm coming home and moving back in now." No, seriously, I really almost did.

Then I snapped back to reality and told her "I love you too. And, no matter where I go, I'll always be your baby."

My Mother is an excellent card player. She always knows when to hold her Trump card until she needs it the most.

New Blog

Every one go here right now and read one of the best new spots on the net.

Butch Points

I just got my oil changed at lunch. I have this overwhelming sense of accomplishment because I have completed a task, nay a Goal, that I have been putting off for three months. Oil Change = 3 butch pts.

I am a very independent and self reliant person. However, there are certain things that I put off forever. Anything having to do with my car makes up most of the list. Taxes are another, and so is anything having to do with repairing a major appliance. Now I don't actually DO any of these things, but even talking with the professionals that do do (hehe) these things makes me nervous.

I don't know if it's because I was spoiled as a child, or because deep down inside the Clay-Aiken-esq fairy in me screams "You're are so GAY you can't possible be competent enough any of these things". Who knows.


So my dear friend and old roommate Regina, came up with a system. I complete a task, I get butch points. I get enough butch points, I get to do fun things like shop at home depot, or go to a chili cook off, or go to a straight country bar. It works great! Plus, whenever I get to use my points, I call her and tell her something like "I went to Home Depot and bought a cordless drill!" and she'll say "Wow, that costs you 7 butch points." Of course, I bought the drill to hang the decorative curtain rod I bought at Pottery Barn, but who cares?

Once she took me to this bar in the suburbs. I went to the bathroom and this HUGE FAT man peeing screamed "Man there sure is a shit-load of pussy I'm gonna bang tonight!!"

That used up all my butch points for a year!!!


Tex here says, "Reading Who Threw That Ham at Me gives you 100 Butch Points!"

Grocery Lists

A Friend sent this to me and I had to post it!

Brokeback Mountain Grocery Lists


> WEEK ONE

> Beans

> Bacon

> Coffee

> Whiskey

>

> WEEK TWO

> Beans

> Ham

> Coffee

> Whiskey

>

> WEEK THREE

> Beans al fresca

> Thin-sliced Bacon

> Hazelnut Coffee

> Sky vodka & Tanqueray gin

> K-Y gel

>

> WEEK FOUR

> Beans en salade

> Pancetta

> Coffee (espresso grind)

> 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay

> 2 tubes K-Y gel

>

> WEEK FIVE

> Fresh Fava beans

> Jasmine rice

> Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced

> Medallions of veal

> Porcini mushrooms

> 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream

> 1 Boy Scout uniform, size 42 long

> 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)

> 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

>

> WEEK SIX

> Yukon Gold potatoes

> Heavy whipping cream

> Asparagus (very thin)

> Organic Eggs

> Sea Salt

> Whey Protein

> Spanish Lemons

> Gruyere cheese (well aged)

> Crushed Walnuts

> Arugula

> Clarified Butter

> Extra Virgin Olive oil

> Pure Balsamic vinegar

> 6 yards white silk organdy

> 6 yards pale ivory taffeta

> 3 Cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve

> Large tin Crisco

1st inning, 1 Strike 1 Ball

So I called home today, and my Daddy answered.

He was not happy.
Let me just tell you something about my father. To him, there is no where else worth living other than Texas. To the east, you have those crazy coon-asses in Losey-ana. To the north, all the injuns in Oklahoma, and New Mexico might as well be part of Old Mexico for all that Texans acknowledge it. The only worse place in the world than Neeew York Citeee, is California. And he can just not understand why in the world I would want to go out there and live with all those hippies, dope-fiends, and freaks that make up that state. Bigger'n Dallas! (That, my friends, is a Texas exclamation of extreme emotion)

He basically said "You a'int goin". Strike one.

Now, finally I got my mother on the phone.


Now my mom understands the desire to get away a little bit more. She is a smart woman, a little more educated and wordly than my father. However, she is afraid of life, and always has been. When she was a young woman, it was her dream to go to college and move away from the little town she grew up in. It never happened, her parents wouldn't let her go. She even had a scholarship, but "women didn't need to be educated." and I think she's always let that defeat her. She knows deep down she wants me to go out and do what I want, but she's scared for me to do it. So, while she's not full out encouraging me to move, she's also holding back a lot of the guilt she wants to throw at me.

Our conversation was more subdued, more about me reassuring her I'll be ok. She's getting there faster than I thought she would.

I'm heading home this weekend to take some things home - china, crystal, keepsakes I don't want to take to SF, but don't want to get rid of. It will be interesting to see what happens.

If you don't hear from me by Monday, someone send the cavalry, they've got me locked up in the attic.

To my secret lover

I woke up this morning holding my pillow tight. I had dreamt that I was in your arms. In my half awake/half asleep haze, I imagined that you were holding me tight. I felt your naked chest against my back, your arms around mine, your breath on the nape of my neck as you lightly kissed me there, and worked your way around to my mouth. I felt your hips grinding against mine as we made love in the morning just before the light would peak in my window.

I lay there in contentment, thinking about all the days we would have together, the trips to the beach, lying in the sun; dinners, movies, drinking wine on cold nights. Would your parents like me? Would mine welcome you? Where would we vacation? Would you teach me to ski? Would I teach you to cook? How often would we make love a week? Would I write about you here, or would I keep you a secret?

Finally the alarm went off and you disappeared as the full blaze of the sunrise entered my room, just as you always do. I've been thinking of the taste of your lips all day.

Happy Valentines Day. You don't know who you are, but maybe one day all these dreams will come true.

Let the Games Begin

Three very important things occurred today.

1. I had a fantastic phone interview with a company in SF. I'm flying out next week for the in-person interview. Cross your fingers and toes for me.

2. I got caught blogging today at work. I also got in big trouble. So, sadly, my posts might be a little more sporadic for a while, and I won't get to check my email as much either during the day.

3. The biggie - I told my mother that I am moving to San Francisco. After the initial shock and 15 min of silence, she said "I'll have to think about that." and hung up.

Ladies and gentlemen, readers of all ages, be prepared. What you are about to witness in the upcoming weeks will be nothing less than a dazzling display of fully loaded, perfectly targeted, melodramatic, Oscar deserving performance of good ol Catholic Guilt.


Raise the sheilds Cap'n!

For someone special

...and I liked it.

Sending out some Love

My friend Liz sent me this site..
Candy Hearts

They have all sorts of loving things to send your sweetheart. Like..



or



or the ever popular



Or even one for that hard to buy for friend



Show your love!



And, my personal favorite, because I made it. This is for you Anthony..

Lookin for Love in all the wrong places..

The dreaded holiday, Valentine's Day is coming up. Now, normally I wear black, drink a lot, and sneer at anyone who dares to even mention the word love around me.

But not this year. And, not for the reasons anyone may think.

I went to a party last night. I spent the night with good friends, and saw some old friends that I haven't seen in years. I met some really neat new people and shared a lot of laughs with people I never thought had a sense of humor. Above all, I received a lot of compliments on my personality and who I am as a person. Not to sound egotistical, but I was told by someone that I was the most sought after party guest there.

You know what, it really made me feel good.

So, even though I'm single and have been for a while now, I'm not going to let Valentine's Day get me down. In fact, I'm going to celebrate it in its full glory because you know what...

I am truly loved.


image by Michael Lachowski

ps..if you're reading this it means you're loved to.

A few more Quirks of Kel

It's rainy and gloomy today. I'm sitting here at work bored, so I thought I'd tell y'all a little bit more about me.

1. I currently work in Real Estate Title, and come across hundreds of owner's names a week. Whenever I see a last name from a movie character, I pretend it's that character's file I'm processing. This happens A LOT.

2. I cross my big toes over my 2nd toes when I drive long distances.
I do the same thing when I take a nap.


4. On of my W.T. "guilty pleasures" is Swanson Turkey Pot Pies. My best friend in Jr. High taught me to brush the crust with Worcester and Teriyaki sauce before you microwave it. I still make them like this today.



5. When I get drunk, I get really lovey. I love everyone, and make out with everyone. Except if I drink gin. Gin makes me a really mean drunk. Like "lose my shit" mean. Just ask the patrons of Daddy's on Castro.

6. There are certain pens at my desk I like, and others I don't. I feel really guilty when one of the ones "I like" runs out of ink and I have to throw it away.

7. I believe in the Supernatural. I've seen a ghost. I've felt presences. I can read Tarot, and I'm pretty good at it. I firmly believe in reincarnation. I have dreams about my past lives and know things about places I've never been. However, I'm very skeptical when other people say they believe in or have experienced these things too.

9. When I was 2 I found an old throw pillow in a trunk at our house. I called it "baby" and carried it with me everywhere. My mom tried to take it away and I lost my shit. I still have it. It's "Baby Pillow" and it's been all over the U.S., Canada, Mexico, and Europe with me. About 10 years ago, it got really lumpy inside. My Mom said I should just throw it out. My Grandmother took it and took all the cotton out. Even though she had arthritis, she painstakingly combed out the cotton and made it all fluffy again, then sowed it back up. I'm going to be buried with this pillow.

10. I believe in wishes. I wish on stars, dandelions, birthday candles, cars with one headlight (you have to see three, say speedoodle, and hit the top of your ceiling each time), turkey wishbones, pennies in fountains, wishing wells, and sometimes, just sometimes, those wishes come true.

The Who Threw That Ham Privacy Act

Since I am a Yellow Dog Democrat and not a Nasty republican I believe in a person's right to privacy. So, I'm just going to tell everyone this right now.

No matter if you are a long time friend or I just met you, I promise to keep you anonymous in any and all conversations, stories, e-mails, and anecdote on this blog. I also will not forward, post, or pass along any emails or conversation no matter how funny they are without asking you first.

So now you know, and knowing is half the battle.

Who Knew Felicity Huffman was Packing?!?

My friend Pookie Pie called me the other day and asked if I had seen any of the Oscar Nominated Movies? I've seen Capote, (which was dull as dishwater though Phillip Seymour Hoffman did portray a good Capote), and I've seen Brokeback of course..which I'm just going to say it..I found slow.




So, get over that shock, yell, scream, call me names, whatever.. now lets move on. (Sticks and Stones Bitches)

Ok, so we went to see TransAmerica starring Felicity Huffman from Desperate Housewives, etc. I was really looking forward to this movie. So, not to spoil ANY of it, I'll just give you the plot outline from the internet movie database .

A pre-operative male-to-female transsexual takes an unexpected journey when she learns that she fathered a son, now a teenage runaway hustling on the streets of New York

Sounds Kicky!!

So we walked in with our xl popcorn and Cokes (Thank you Regal Cinema for serving Coke and not Pepsi - the spawn of the devil.) and plopped down in the middle. The lights went down, the sound went up and I thought "This is going to be kitchy fun, Felicity Huffman camping it up in high heels, flipping her blond hair all over the place, acting like a mess. Whee".

I was so wrong.

I COMPLETELY underestimated Felicity Huffman. She was phenomenal. Amazing. You have to go see this movie.

First off, she looked like this.





Does that look like crazy, self assured Desperate Housewives Felicity Huffman? No.

She looks like a Tranny!



Her character (ironically named Bree) was great too. Nervous, smart, but reserved. Inward. Once again, phenomenal acting.

Kevin Zegers plays her estranged, drug addicted, prostitute son and is quite stunning in his role as well. However, Fionnula Flanagan (Ya-Ya Sisterhood, The Others)STEALS every scene she is in. I love her.

Now really, I haven't really ever given much though to the Gender Confused in our community. In fact, I have always fought against them being lumped into gay and lesbian groups because I think its a WHOLE other can of worms. I really don't believe that someone with Gender Identity issues has the same issue as gay and lesbian people. In fact, I tend to shy away from them.

If you had to deal with Jennifer Gale running all over your city, you'd probably been done with transsexuals as well.

However, this movie really showed a nice portrayal of a transsexual coming to terms with his/her life, and finding happiness where he/she never thought to look for it.

So really, go see TransAmerica.

Oh, and don't cover your eyes when she pees, you'll get a BIG surprise.

Oh and Felicity, Gurl! You gots my vote for the Oscar!

What's the difference between Lesbians..

.. and canoes? Canoes tip.

So a Lesbian mom came over to buy some chairs I was selling. You know the type, geeky glasses, hair short and 4 different colors, tank top showing off her bushman armpits and driving a truck with EVERY LESBIAN BUMPER STICKER EVER MADE plastered to the back of it (is that sexy to them? Like "Wow, Shelia has 17 bumperstickers I really want to eat her cooch!")? I don't get it...anyway. So she brought her 3 girls along, with their equally fucked up hair and lesbian clothes. (If there is a God in heaven one of those girls will become a beauty queen just out of spite.) So we're all walking up to my apartment when one of the McButch kids yells "Mooooommm! Professor is covered all in oatmeal!!"

Ok.."Professor"..is the baby. What kind of fucked up shit is that?

So the Mom says "Don't worry, I'm sure Kel doesn't mind a little oatmeal."

Oh yes she do! Kel is gay, Kel has nice things! Kel isn't a big Dyke with Wal-mark furniture that kids can wipe thier sticky paws all over! Whatever, you betta watch yo kids!

So anyway, they bought the chairs. I had to haul them down to her beat up, stickered up rug munch mobile and I"m 75 bucks richer.

Now I have to go smudge the place. Later.

Give us this day, our daily Daniel V...

This is Fucking Brilliant!
(Click on the picture for a larger view)

David at Someone in a Tree gives a review of this completely worthy of a Good Catholic Merit award..even though he's Jewish.

The picture comes from the blog of Project Runway hopeful Santino Rice

I left my heart in San Francisco

Ok, some of you have apparently missed the boat. I have been getting a barrage of e-mails asking me why I'm selling furniture and packing up things. Also, some of my friends seem to be in BIG denial over this. We a'int in Egypt honey, it's happening.

So just to be clear and we are all on the same page:

I am Moving to San Francisco.

I hope to be there by the 1st week of April.
Bye-Bye





A lot of people are asking me WHY I'm moving, so here are some reasons, in no particular order.


1. 78% of Registered Texas Voters just voted to Ban Gay Marriage.
2. Rick Perry, our illustrious Governor, basically said a few months ago (to paraphrase) "If Gays don't like it here they should move somewhere else." So i'ma goin.
3. Chox
4. Because Texas gets up to 115 degrees Faranheight and all the freakin candles in your apartment melt while San Francisco gets up to..oh about 80.
5. My Friends Danny, Sally, and Andy.



6. I love Pier39 and the Sea Lions
7. I love Ghirardelli Square
8. I'll be able to get Dim Sum anywhere, anytime
9. Napa...it's right there.
10. Because there being gay isn't even part of your identity and I'll finally be able to explore who I really am.

And you know I'm going to fit right in don't you?




UPDATE: And the Best reason to move is my friend Kenn, who has encouraged me like no one else, and has taken the time to give me a full education on San Francico. Kenn, I definitly wouldn't be as comfortable moving to the city, as I am if it wasn't for you.

You, me, a bottle of wine come April. SMOOCH

I was Ready to Rumble

Sorry I haven't posted. Apparently, I was the ONLY person that blogger was acting up on this weekend, becuase all my other fellow blog peeps had to show me up and post great things from this weekend.

So my weekend was pretty laid back. I stayed in Friday night. Watched movies all day Saturday. Tried to sell my furniture on Sunday so I can get some cash to pay for this move to San Francisco...besides, who needs an 8 foot Mahogany dining table in San Francisco. Someone needs to buy this shit.

Oh yeah, and I went to the Austin Lonestars Gay Rugby Team Oil Wrestling Funraiser on Saturday.

Yeah, you heard me, only in Texas :)






Well, and Turkey.









Since it was being held at our Gay Cowboy Bar, Rainbow Cattle Co., I put on my pearl-snap western shirt, my tight book cut jeans, and my brown cowboy boots and saddled up my horse and went to town.

It was quite the event. The Austin Lonestars were wrestling their rival team from Dallas, who's team name I don't remember. The had a big inflatable baby pool on stage, filled up with baby oil, and you could pay $10.00 to help oil up your favorite wrestler.

You could also bid on such items as dinner and a movie with your favorite team memeber (I lost)or buy raffle tickets for worn jock straps, (once again I lost).


Sorry Captian Richard "Dick" Toy, I guess we won't be going to Olive Garden...well unless you want to give me a call.

The highlight of the whole event was the Hot Straight Built like a Brick Shithouse Fireman who's whole job was to walk around in between the rounds shirtless holding up a "Round 1" and "Round 2" sign.

Yeah, one of my friends pad $140.00 to wrestle him. He didn't pin him, but he get a prize....he would up with one of the guy's pubic hairs.




Anybody wanna wrassle?

I am a total Tard

Here's why:

Ok so last night I'm on the phone with my new buddy Chad Fox aka Chox aka Chadiqua and he's listening to some uber-gay radio show on 92.7FM in San Francisco because he is a big 'Mo like that and I tune in online. I get it in my head that I would be all sweet and charming and call the freakin show and talk to Your Boy Brandon about Chad and request a song for him.

Let me just say in my defense, this was after 2 cosmopolitan and a bottle of wine.

People, please, if you see me drinking, just take my phone away from me. Really, for the LOVE OF GOD please wrestle it out of my big nelly hands before I drunk dial again.

Now, having worked in radio for several years (as a Traffic Director, meaning I scheduled commercials on the air, not flew around in a helicopter) I KNOW that when you talk to ANYONE in a radio station you are being recorded. I don't care if it's the VP of Programming or the receptionist, there is a big chance that your voice is going to be on the air; so watch what you say.

Let me just give you an example.

We had a concert once here with Kool and the Gang as the main event (I know, whatever). Seems that one of our Sales Reps from the station decided to "Celebrate" with Mr. J.T. Taylor and walked in to the station the next day in the SAME clothes she was wearing at the concert.

Ho.

Well, she stupidly played us the message Mr. Taylor left her on her voicemail explaining in his deep sexy voice how much fun he had and how wild she was in bed.

I had her voicemail code.

And I gave it to the jock on the air.

And he played the message - on-air.

I've never seen a girl run so fast.

So you see, I KNOW better. So, if you are so inclined to hear me at my faggiest please pop over to www.chadfox.com and click on the phrase "I caught it on tape" right below the big Energy 92.7 logo. I'm sure it will bring you much amusement for the day.

P.S. Chad, God Love Ya for trying to make me seem sweet, but I'll own up to this one.

What do you remember about me?

I "borrowed this from Enviroboi .

I thought it was cute:

Assignment from your English teacher:

If you read this, if your eyes are passing over this right now, (even if we don’t speak often or don’t really know each other) please post a comment with a COMPLETELY MADE UP AND FICTIONAL memory of you and me. It can be anything you want - good or bad - BUT IT HAS TO BE FAKE. When you’re finished, post this little paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people DON’T ACTUALLY remember about you!

I asked him to remember the time I took him to the Hills Cafe to eat Calf-Fries. Can't wait to see what y'all come up with.

Oh, and Six, Atari, Jeff... you are tagged.

I TOLD Y'ALL HE WAS THE SHIZZLE!!

THAT'S 4, count 'em FOUR challenges my boy has won!! Nina wants to lick his crack. Michael Kors is all but jackin' off like a monkey when he walks on stage. Tim is doing everything but bending over and sayin "Spank me now, make me work". I keep tellin y'all!

He's going to be the winner. He's going to get his own line. And one day he's going to tie me down and *BEEP* my *BEEP BEEP* while I *BEEP* his *BEEP* and *BEEP* *BEEP* *BEEP* until he *BEEP* *BEEP* all over the place.

God I love Daniel Vosovick. For Reals.


Oh, and if you don't watch Project Runway, you are a punk ass sucker who won't understand this post.If you want to catch up, just read the recaps here or here or here becuase those are the best.

How Nice.

So Sunday I was pretty bored feeling kind of randy (or Mark, or Steve, or whoever wouuld come along) and I jumped gay.com aka "typing class" to see what I could round up. I ended up meeting this cute guy who had a couple of things going for him.

A. He was around my age and had a really nice body
B. He volunteers at animal shelters (so that means he's all nice and compassionate? Right)
C. He was a little bit broken.

Now, I always seem to bring home the strays. Every guy I've ever dated had somethign "wrong" with him that I helped fix. Low Self Esteem? check. Alchoholic? check. Struggling artist with issues with parents and sexual identity? check check. This guy's only little issue was that he is shy, and said he has a problem connecting with other people on a social level. So I met him for coffee convident that we would get along, and that my dynamic personality would win him over.

Things went well. He was cute, not HOTlike his pictures, but cute. Sweet, a little Whiskey Tango, but that definitly added to his fuckable-ness. Definitly someone I could hang out with, really someone I could fuck around with. 2 hours and a caffinne buzz from hell later, he asked if we could go out again, and mentioned that he was really glad we weren't just hooking up and he's looking forward to seeing me again.

I was like "score 1 for Kel". Acutally, I was more like, "Damn i'm gonna get me some of that hot body". I have to admit, I can be a total snob sometimes. I average-ly to cute on the looks and boyd scale. I have a decent education, am pretty witty, know I'm fun to be around. I make decent money, have a decent job, and socially I'm pretty damn popular. I don't usually go out with guys "beneath" me, i.e. guys with no car, a low paying job, and no social contacts, unless that guy has somethign going for them, and this guy did. So after hem-hawing around for a few days, I decided to call him and ask him out. I figured a good resturant, some cocktails, and then back to my place for some snogging.

So I called him. He answered. The 1st thing out of his mouth was, "Oh, didn't you get my email?"

Well....fuck.

So after a short and VERY ackward conversation I ran home to check my e-mail, in which I had recived this note;

"K - I did have a good time having coffee and talking with you. I'm not sexually attracted to you, but it didn't seem appropriate to say that during our meeting since the conversation was so enjoyable. You're a cool guy, you have a great personality and sense of humor, and I'm surprised you're not hitched already, frankly. Sometime I would be up for having coffee or something again with you to talk and be friends, though I'm not very socially active (as I mentioned in person), so I often don't go places I'm invited to.

I hope your week is great, and I hope good things are right around the corner for you."

How nice.

Um...I know it's a sweet email. I know we all can't be each other's type. I know that I am a gracious enough person to just say "oh well". I know that I am moving to San Francisco. I know that I would have never really date this guy, and that going out with him just to get some would've been shady.

On the flip side, I know that I am cool. I know that I am Nice. I know that I should be hitched, becuase I am so wonderful a person that I make a great friend for EVERYONE.

Well...this is about all the niceness I can muster..



I need a drink.

UGH!

Ok. I spent a good 45 min writing a kick-ass post only to have Blogger delete it instead of publish it! Where is my post??

So if any of you have a random post spring up on your blog about being mistaken for a rock star, please send return it to me. Reward offered.

By the way, I still feel like crap. My cold came back with a vengence this morning. I can barely keep my head up at work. And, it's not helping that it looks like The Nothing outside my offce window..seriously there goes the ivory tower, there goes the best buy.

I hope everyone else has an exciting day. I'm not goign to be of much use. I definitly don't feel like a "One Man Walking Sensation" - thanks Dan!

Since I'm not very entertaining today, go check out Rich at Four Four . He tells you how you can make your own Whitney, Arsenio, or other Black celebrity T-Shirt in honor of Black History Month. I personally want a Marion Berry one.

Oh, and if you didn't get The Neverending Story reference earlier, shame on you!